Archive for June, 2011

June 27, 2011

#15) Shout-out to another D: My Top Ten David Sedaris Quotes

#10) “You can suck the cream out of my grand-daddy’s withered old cum-stained cock before I ever…let you look into this motherfucking baby’s wrinkly-assed face.”  (From “C.O.G.”, dialogue Sedaris overheard on a cross-country bus trip)

#9) “My home – well, one of my homes – is on the garden tour, so I’ve got to get back to Williamsburg.” (From “The Ship Shape”; dialogue Sedaris and his mother overheard at a dry cleaner in Raleigh)

#8) “There’s only so much you can do for someone who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.” (From “C.O.G.”)

#7) “It had now become the kind of masturbation that’s an act of determination, not pleasure.” (From “Blood Work”)

#6) “I’m the stepsister of Jesus Christ sent back to earth to round up all the lazy, goddamned niggers and teach them to cook ribs the way they was meant to be cooked, goddamn it.”  (From “Get Your Ya-Ya’s Out!”; said by a woman at the nursing home where Sedaris’s grandmother lived)

#5) “I hate to bother you, but I’m going to lie down for a while…if for some reason I don’t wake up, I’m wondering if you could possibly insert this into my anus.” (From “Blood Work”; Sedaris is cleaning the house of a client who recently recovered from surgery)

#4) “He must truly believe in miracles if he thought I’d ask a complete stranger if she accepted deliveries in the rear.” (From “C.O.G.”, describing a trip to a crafts fair in Portland, OR with a man who called himself a “Child of God”)

#3) “I couldn’t read the phrase ‘He paunched his daughter’s rock-hard nopples’ without thinking of Gretchen barricading herself in her room.”  (From “Next of Kin”; describing a poorly edited adult novel that Sedaris and his sisters read)

#2) “I was then to suggest that the hook-nosed Jew bastard could shove his delivery charge up his ass.”  (From “That’s Amore”, in which Sedaris’s elderly neighbor enlists him to help negotiate with the local pharmacist)

And the number one David Sedaris quote of all time…..

“They’re not little creatures!  They’re tool people!” (From “The Girl Next Door”)

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